We’re All Struggling

This is hard.

Everything about this situation is complicated, confusing, scary, frustrating, and everything in between. 

*Count your blessings. 

*Eat healthy.

*Practice gratitude.

*Just relax.

*Be productive.

*Exercise.

*But, give yourself grace. 

We’ve heard all of these things during the COVID-19 pandemic. But, somehow it doesn’t make the situation any easier, does it?

I know that I am blessed beyond measure, and that my family is not struggling in many of the ways that so many others are.

But, like everyone going through this, there’s that SOMETHING that makes this entire situation SO HARD. 

Ben and I are both able to work from home, which is such a wonderful opportunity that a lot of other folks do not have. 

We get to “spend more time” with Ellis, which is also a wonderful opportunity. Only that it’s not what we’d like it to be. 

We both have jobs to do, meetings to attend, and projects to work on… all while trying to give the attention to a 4.5 year old boy who deserves so much more than we can give right now. 

I’ve been feeling guilty every day. I’ve even felt inadequate and undeserving. And this morning, my heart broke just a little bit more.

Ellis was playing in the living room as I was working, and he started to throw his Lego’s and made a face that I could tell was different. 

He looked sad. 

I asked what was wrong, and he replied, “I just want to play with my cousins,” and buried his face in his hands. So I walked over and got down on the floor to give him a hug. 

I told him, “I know buddy, this is so hard not being able to play with friends,” and he replied, “Every time I play by myself.” 

While this might seem like a small moment of disappointment for him, it hit me like a pile of bricks. Tears instantly came to my eyes, and I just held him. 

While it’s a journey I have yet to discuss publicly, we have desperately been trying to give Ellis a sibling for two years now. We were scheduled to begin fertility treatments when COVID-19 started to spike in the US, and now everything is on hold. 

And Ellis’ actions and words instantly reminded me of this ache in my heart to give him what he deserves… that ‘someone’ to always play with.

I know that there are many “only” children in the world, and they turn out just fine… But, that doesn’t take away the yearning.  

So, yes, I am grateful to have a job, and that I can work safely from home. I am grateful to not be struggling financially. I am grateful for a beautiful son and a loving husband. We have not forgotten our many blessings.

But, that doesn’t mean that we have no struggles. That we don’t have reason to hate the situation we’re in. Because, for us, it’s a constant reminder of what we wish we could give but we can’t.

I’ll keep this short and to the point. We are ALL struggling in some way or another during this time. Let’s not forget that it’s okay to say this whole thing just SUCKS. 

Whether you work on the front lines…

or you’ve lost your job…

or you still have to work but can’t afford daycare now that schools are closed…

or you struggle with depression and the isolation of staying home is making it unbearable.

Whatever you are struggling with… I hope you can find a way to stay positive. But even more, I hope you have people you can count on for the times when

It’s. Just. Not. Possible. 

I’d love to hear about what you’re struggling with the most in the comments, and maybe we can all help lift each other up!

Always,

Maria

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